A year in the merde: quotes

As promised a few quotes from this book... amazingly funny !

Asking to his boss on the first day

"Do I call everyone tu or vous?" Not that I was capable of calling them either.

"Ah, it is quite simple. You, in your position, call everyone with whom you work tu. Except maybe anyone who looks old. And except if you have not been presented to them yet.  Most people here will call you tu also.  Some will call you vous if they are very less senior or if they think they don't know you. OK?"

"Er, yes". Clear as onion soup.

Comment from one of his co-workers:

"You rilly yong," said the skinny bloke.  Not accusingly, but annoyingly.

"Not really, I'm 27. If I was a rock star I'd be dead."

Getting introduced to his new-coworkers.

Bernard smile nervously and began.

"Yam Bare narr, yam responsa bull ov communikasyon, er..."

Shit, I thought, didn't Jean-Marie say the meeting was going to be in English? How come some people were allowed to speak Hungarian?

Bernard of Budapest carried on in the same incomprehensible vein for a couple of minutes and then started to enunciate something which, to judge bu the look of acute constipation on his face, was of great importance. "Alok for wah toowa king wizioo".

Hang on, I thought. I don't speak any Central European languages, but I got that. He's looking forward to working with me. Holy Babel fish. It's English, Jim, but not as we know it.

Getting introduced to Marc.

"Ah'm ed of hah tee", he said.

"Ed of hah tee," I repeated approvingly, wondering what the hell this was. Something to do with tea, anyway. Relevant.

"Yah. Compoodah sis-temm," Marc confirmed.

"Oh, I.T. I said.  He glowered at me. "Your English is excellent," I added quickly. "How long did you spend in the USA?"

"Ah've done a yee-uf uv post-grad at Jo-ja State, then Ah've worked fahv yee-uhs inna inshance firm in Atlanna. In da hah tee departmon, a coss."

"A coss," I agreed.

Later on in the book...

Paris is, I was beginning to realize, a bit like an ocean. An ocean is a great place to live if you're a shark.  There's loads of fresh seafood, and if anyone gives you shit you just bite them in half. You might not be loved by everyone, but you'll be left in peace to enjoy yourself.

Giving English lessons later on in the book...

"What did you have for dinner last night, Sylvie?"

"I made some crap."

"you mean crepes? Pancakes."

"Yes, pan-cak."

The hardest thing was to keep a straight face.

"OK, Philippe, what would you say to the waiter if you had no cutlery?"

"Er, excuse me, I want a knife and a fuck."

"At five PM, I was working."

"Good".

"At seven PM, I was sitting on ze train."

"OK"

"At nine, I was listening ze radio."

"Was that AM or PM?"

"No, FM".

Talking with a former colleague about his old boss.

"Jean-Marie. E does not want to be the major of a little town only."

"Mayor."

"Yes. Mayor. Thank you. This nuclear central..."

"Power station."

"This nuclear central power station, it is han important regional question. If e can av henough political power in this region, the power station will surely be constructed.  Ee will be respected as a, ow you say? Un home d'influence."

"A man of influence".

Talking about one of his new flatmate.

Vasco could have farted at international competition level, and I did not want to give him any complexes, so I always did my best to force out a sympathetic goodnight fart before dropping (or drooping) off to sleep.

Talking about his old boss Jean-Marie.

There was no point telling anyone about his desktop affair with Stephanie, because accusations of adultery would only increase his score at the polls.  President Mitterand, for example, gained maximum posthumous respect after his illegitimate daughter attended his funeral.  A French politician without a mistress is like a sheriff without a gun - people thin he has no firepower.

So there are lot of nice quotes from this book. I really advise you to check for yourself. I only selected a few but the whole book is about british and french humour.